cri·tique

“[kriˈtēk]

NOUN

1. a detailed analysis and assessment of something, especially a literary, philosophical, or political theory:

VERB

1. evaluate (a theory or practice) in a detailed and analytical way:”

I picture an old memory of seeing my classmates sitting in front of a wall of mirrors, behind the dance bar. Three of us are on the dance floor. The song plays as our class watches us. Making sure that our toes are pointed, that our legs are straight. Our teacher claps loudly to the beat of the music, encouraging us to hit the choreography at all the right moments. We dance like no one is watching until the end of our song. At the end, our classmates let us know where we can improve. Our teacher tells us if we need another take. My peers remind me of the beats I missed. This memory is such a nice memory. Back in a time where it was our jobs to encourage one another to grow. 

While dancing seems to be independent, and I always thought it was, I realize it is just as much of a team sport as any other.

We need guidance from our instructor and our peers.  

There aren't many people in life that will be able to look at what someone has created through the lens clean of the self. Not many can give the exact insight as to how one can improve. People see what works for them instead of putting themselves in another's shoes and seeing what may work for that other person. The older I get, the more I realize critiques won’t look the same either. At least not from everyone. 

Not everyone is on my team. Not everyone knows what is best for me. Mostly because we aren’t moving in the exact same way anymore. We may use the same template, just making different adjustments. When I think about dancing, I think about how easy everything was then. I had someone telling me what to do, what poses to hit, how to move my body. I had someone picking out the song I would dance to. Tara, a small part of someone else's masterpiece. Now, I am the one making the art. When one becomes the artist instead of the pawn, the critiques are not only from peers. They are from strangers. Intentions are always questionable when they come from strangers.

I wonder if my peers are still encouraging me to climb. I hear less and less about how I can improve. Maybe instead of critiquing, they are giving me the space to continue to grow. I guess that’s why I have stayed in far too many bad relationships. Mistaking emotional abuse for critiques. Not just with spouses, but friends as well. Critique is my comfort zone. When I don’t hear the ways in which I can improve, I wonder what I am doing wrong and why no one seems to want to help.

When I think more about it, I realize that my peers are still here with me. My support system lets me know how I can improve. It just looks a little different. It isn’t as direct as it once was because the situations are more complex. I have more direction by listening to myself and my peers are older now, wiser. They aren’t sure what will work best for me. Maybe they haven’t done what I am trying to do. That was the thing with dancing, we all hit the same moves. We knew how it felt. The advice and tips we’d give were something we had been through and corrected ourselves. It's much more difficult to give that advice when we haven’t done the thing we are giving advice on. 

I don’t know where this journey will take me, who will walk into my life, who will encourage me to grow. I look for the teachers that will offer me their guidance. The thing about developing skills as an adult is that my parents aren’t there footing the bill. So for now, I will continue growing slowly. I will take what I can get and utilize the resources I have. I will acknowledge the teachers that are also friends. I will keep making things that feel good to me and that I am at the very least, okay with. My art doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be good enough. Perfectionism keeps me from growing. If I try to be perfect, no one else sees my work. No one else is there to help me. I guess in a way, my perfectionism is selfish. Keeping these things I am working on a secret. I don’t quite like secrets. It's still my job to encourage others to grow, just like I still hear others encouraging me. Thank you to all the people guiding me in the things that feel good to my heart. You are appreciated. And if you would like to be a little more direct with your critiques, it would be appreciated.

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