How not to forgive
“Forgive
[ fer-giv ]
to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
to grant pardon to (a person).
to cease to feel resentment against:
to forgive one's enemies.
to cancel an indebtedness or liability of:
to forgive the interest owed on a loan.”
I’ve noticed this idea about forgiveness. An idea that states we must find forgiveness to be happy. That once we find forgiveness, we will be at peace. A state of bliss where nothing can impact our mindset. We are told we must forgive. If we don’t forgive, something is wrong with us. We are told anger is an emotion to fight against, which doesn’t make much sense. Fighting to not feel anger, isn’t that ironic? So we spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to forgive others. Spending energy on trying to let go. Trying to figure out what we did wrong. We try to read their mind so we can justify their actions. Piling on excuses to try to let go of any anger to something hurtful or unfair. We make up stories for the person we are looking to forgive. “They did XYZ because of ABC” We think of forgiveness as some type of closure. I have found myself doing the same thing. Trying to find a justification or a reason for behavior that hurt me. Trying to find the reason as to why someone would be so cruel without any remorse. How can one hurt another and then blame the hurt party for the pain the wrongdoer inflicted? Damaging others in the form of hurtful words, to actions that cause physical pain. Where did this idea to forgive a person who doesn’t see their actions as wrong come from?
I see forgiveness being portrayed as the only way to move on. That we have to find forgiveness to be able to continue through life. I see forgiveness being shown as the only way to let go of the past. If we don’t forgive, we are full of anger. As if anger is not a normal emotion we have all felt. Forgive and forget to move on. There is an expectation about apologies. An expectation to forgive. As if saying “I am sorry” can go back in time and fix a bad decision. More often than not, we hear “I am sorry and I hope you forgive me BUT you need to see how you hurt ME” as an apology. The wrongdoer expects to hear “I forgive you”. This takes away all ownership over the hurt they have caused and instead creates even more. In what world is one to forgive that? The person apologizing is still crossing boundaries. Still avoiding holding themselves accountable. The wrongdoer is not only neglectful with this “apology”, but they also continue to invalidate the hurt parties experience to feel better about themselves. They feel they are owed something. No one is owed anything. No one is owed forgiveness, and no one is owed an apology. We can try to make the wrongs we have done right by taking OWNERSHIP of what we have done to damage our self-worth and our integrity but we do not OWE this. Owing states that the hurt party allowed the wrongdoer the right to hurt them. As if there was a conversation where the wrongdoer said “Hello hurt party, I am going to belittle you then ask you to forgive me for it. Do you accept?” and the hurt party responds with “of course wrongdoer! I would love to hear hurtful projections you make about me that are a reflection of something in you. To complete this transaction where I forgive you, I will need a crummy apology” the wrongdoer states they accept. Now, something is owed. That is not how bad decisions, mistakes, and hurtful words happen though. We have all spoken hurtful words, we have all inflicted pain in one way, shape, or form. So how is someone supposed to forgive our actions or words when we don’t acknowledge what we did wrong? Just like it is difficult to forgive someone who invalidates us, they have a hard time forgiving when we invalidate them.
So what is forgiveness? The definition above sounds like taking away accountability. “To give up all claim” translates to “accept this happened and be okay with it”. How would we be able to give up all claim if an offense has no ownership to it? That sounds empty. Like going through the motion of what we think we are supposed to do to move on. Forgiving and forgetting. I have seen how we can move on from the pain others have caused by not forgiving. I have felt the state of peace forgiveness is portrayed to bring by not forgiving. There is a dreamlike sense of moving on by holding wrongs accountable for what they are. Sometimes, to move on, the only person we can forgive is ourselves. The only person I must apologize to is me.
My mom wrote a beautiful letter. She shared an experience in such a raw and unfiltered way that moved me when I read her words. One day I hope to share it with everyone so they too can see the love that shines in her heart. When we share what we have been through, the term letting go takes on a whole new meaning. There is courage in writing our story down and letting another read it. A sense of vulnerability. In her writing, she mentioned how she learned “to forgive, does not mean to forget”.
The book “Why Won’t You Apologize” by Harriet Lerner, PH.D., explains the possibility of forgiving someone, some of the time. Lerner uses an example of one of her clients forgiving 90% of the wrong that was done and not being able to forgive the other 10%. That forgiving the other 10% would feel like losing the strong sense of self the client had built based off what she had experienced.
If I don’t forgive the wrong that was done, how do I find the peace that forgiveness is supposed to bring?
I cannot forgive the abuse that was put on me by a man who claimed to love me. I cannot forgive the people who have taken advantage of me in my youth. I cannot forgive the “friend” I am better off without. These people are incapable of seeing their actions as bad or wrong. They are incapable of admitting to any sense of ownership. The word “forgive” means to grant pardon for an offense. There is no forgiving someone who doesn’t admit their offenses. I can take ownership and forgive myself for my part. I can forgive myself for allowing a relationship to go on too long. I can forgive myself for not listening to me when I disregarded certain things he did that didn't feel right. I can forgive myself for putting me in the situation I was in at such a young age, too young to be doing what I was then. As far as the friend goes, there is nothing to forgive. Forgiving also means opening a door I prefer to keep shut. A possibility of communication. A possibility of accepting their wrongs. These people haven’t done anything to deserve my forgiveness. I think it's important to not forgive the people who have done things that hurt us so deeply. It’s important to keep that door shut.
Forgiving is an incredible action I can take to mend and create stronger relationships where value is held. Forgiving feels like complete bliss that allows a relationship to blossom in amazing ways that we didn’t understand were possible. I don’t see forgiving another as the only way to peace. Owning malicious behaviors and poor choices allows for extreme self-growth. Admitting those behaviors by acknowledging the wrong I inflicted and making the moves to correct those wrongs is ownership. Asking the hurt party for a favor by asking them to forgive me is a cop-out and manipulative. Expecting forgiveness by a false sense of ownership. I believe we can forgive the people we wish to keep around. We can forgive when there is reason to and when we are ready to. Not when someone tells us we need to forgive or that the only way to heal is by forgiving.
Forgiving is one way to find freedom and peace, not the only way. For the times I won’t forgive, I find freedom through holding the past accountable for what it is. I find peace by knowing I don’t need to excuse the wrongs that have been done to me. I find the most freedom by owning up to my bad decisions and hurtful words. Maybe that is why the moments I have forgiven myself are so powerful. Owning up to my shame is a freedom I didn't expect would be created by admitting my hurtful words, bad decisions, and mistakes.
What actions are you avoiding taking ownership of?
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Thank you to my Dad and Granny for your comments on the last one! I really love hearing your feedback. Thank you to everyone else who called me or brought up their viewpoints on the last post. I am excited to hear what you have to say about this one! Thank you, Gabby for letting me know about the audio editor, Isaac for reading this beforehand, and Shannon for letting me read it to you out loud before I made the edits that allowed the words to flow a little more.
Thanks for reading!