I walk down the stairs. Sit at the dining room table. It’s just me in this space. A bottle of bourbon on the counter. The bottle I liked over thanksgiving. It has a sweet taste to me. A subtle warmth that isn’t a punch in the throat. Since I have significantly decreased the amount I drink, I like the more subtle flavors. Most of the time I find myself not liking the taste of alcohol. That “acquired” taste has seemed to dissipate for me. Looking at that bottle on the counter I ask myself "Do I want this?" I contemplate my answer and what the liquid in my glass looks like. I think about the burning sensation it brings to my throat. That burning sensation used to feel like it was cleaning my insides. As if I needed to be cleaned. Looking back I liked that feeling. Feeling like I could be pure again. This can't really be poison to my body, can it? 

As I ponder the bottle in front of me, I recognize I drank this same liquid months ago at a wedding. I said then I would only have one glass.  I remember asking myself “Will this glass truly be the only one?” The deepest part of me told myself that if I opened the gate, the drinks would come rushing in. The more surface-level part of me told myself I was doing good. I could have one drink. As a celebration for not drinking. Then one turned to 2, then 3, then 4. The wedding was a lot of fun. I didn’t blackout, I swam in the pool and sat in the hot tub. I had long talks about life and explored thoughts and ideas. I didn’t feel myself again for four days. It took four days for me to feel back in my body, back in my mind. I look back now and see deciding not to drink would have been just as fun. 

To me, drinking was a way to relax and have fun. Not much thought went into it. I was in a way on autopilot. Ordering a drink because everyone else was, it was my day off, or because I was cleaning. Any excuse for a drink. Reading this it seems like I had a problem. Looking back maybe I did, at the moment I did not. I didn’t wear addict as a label. I didn’t have a rock bottom. Alcohol is in my house right now. I have no desire for any of it. Not the beer in the fridge that has been there for months or the liquor that is on top of it. 

I did what most of us do. I went through the motions, looking for a way not to feel without even realizing it. Looking for a way to have fun or spark an interesting conversation or to avoid feelings of burnout, loneliness, or sadness. I drank subconsciously most of the time, now I ask myself why? Why am adding this poison to my body? When I really sit in my thoughts, where is this coming from? I watched two minutes of Dairy Is Scary and haven't even considered eating or drinking dairy again and I won’t eat factory-farmed meat. So why will I put this toxic substance that makes me sick in my body? 

Maybe it's a social status. Drinking creates an atmosphere of happiness. It creates good times and funny memories. It helps us let our guard down allowing for interesting conversions and a way to get to know one another. The taste of certain drinks brings a warm sensation. Then if I think even further, drinking has been a friend. Go into a room where I don't necessarily want to be and look for the bottle. Think to myself, just give me a drink and I will get through it happily. It's the good time magic potion. The excuse to make mistakes, the excuse to “let go”. In reality, I am holding on tight. Holding on tight to my belief that I won’t have fun without a drink or the belief that I need a substance to allow connection without boundaries. As I learn to love myself more and more each day, I learn how to be myself in every situation simply as I am. I learn how to have fun no matter where I am and to say no to the places I don’t want to be.

Reflecting on my drinking, I see bad times and bad memories. Memories of waking up wondering what happened the night before. Memories of losing control over myself in all aspects. Of being taken advantage of with no control over my mind and body. Conversations where I’ve said hurtful things I didn't mean and wasn’t intentional about. Times I have felt emotionless and carefree to a toxic point, to the point of feeling as if this life is better not being lived. An extreme that I don’t feel when I am sober. When I am me. Alcohol contributed to a lot of situations I wouldn't have put myself in sober. Like the party or bar, I didn't want to go to. The bed I didn’t want to sleep in. The relationship I didn’t want to be in. Alcohol helped keep me there. In this place of stagnation.

When I live my life through experiences I really want, I want to be there entirely. When I am around the people I want to surround myself with, I don't want to miss a beat of the time that we have.

I find myself asking, do I want to be here? When my answer is yes, then I want to fully be in that moment. I want my mind present, I want my body to feel good. I want to fully experience what I am doing and who I am with. I don’t want to take myself away from the people important to me. I don’t want to clock out an entire day to have a drink. When I don’t want to be here, then I want to change that. I want to create my boundaries. I want to not give in to something that doesn't help me to actually live.  

I feel alive when I have a deep conversation with the people close to me. When we laugh together. I feel alive when I climb and the moments when I fall. I feel my heart racing with excitement when I do something physical like jogging or hiking. I feel grounded and balanced when I practice yoga and meditation. I love my feelings. All of them. Even sadness. Sadness is a beautiful feeling to experience. It shows we are human. It shows the soft parts we have in our hearts. It shows empathy. I have no control over those emotions. They come up and instead of fighting them, I find appreciation and admiration. I see now that when I fight my core feelings I go for a drink. 

When I drink I don't get to feel the sensations of emotions. When I drink I feel numb. The little amount of control over my mind and body is gone. I can no longer hear what I am telling myself. Irritability stems from within for not listening, anger at myself arises. Both secondary emotions that stem from a need not being met. I don't want to live my life like that. I want to live my life empowered.

Saying no to the one glass helps me feel empowered. Saying no to the second glass makes me feel empowered. Respecting myself and my boundaries instead of fighting helps me feel loved. Knowing my desire and fulfilling that creates a sense of pride and a feeling of calm throughout my whole body. My desire is to be in love with me. To be present in the moment and to experience the most I can from this short life. 

To anyone on the outside, I don’t and did not have a drinking problem. After all, if I did have a problem, that would mean they might as well. What is a drinking problem anyways? How do we know if we have one if we don't try to stop? We say we are going to “relax” by poisoning our bodies resulting in hangovers. That doesn’t sound relaxing or like we are “letting loose” to me. That sounds like pain. Just because there isn't a tragic rock bottom doesn't mean there isn't a problem. If we can’t go a day/week/month/year without a drink, isn’t that a problem? Even now I still have yet to go one month without one drink or a single sip. The moments I have a drink are rare and just one. But why do I make that choice? 

I have a lot of amazing people surrounding me. People that support and respect my decisions. I don't feel pressured to drink. I don't mind when others want a drink. Just like I don’t mind when others eat meat. If I can stop eating dairy after watching 2 minutes of a video, I can stop drinking alcohol. So when I am in a moment contemplating a drink, I am learning to pause and ask myself "why?" 

1. Do I have time for a hangover?  (all the time the answer is no)

2. What's an alternative drink I can choose instead?

3. Ask myself the questions from my last post to evaluate the relationship where drinking is encouraged and my choices are disregarded. 

No, I am not pregnant because I don't want the drink. No, I am not boring because I don’t drink. I find poisoning myself to be a real buzz kill to my party. No, I am not missing out on any part of life, I am choosing to live it instead. I am choosing to live to my fullest capability instead of being disabled by the part of me that is hungover in a mental fog not thinking as clearly. 

I remind myself I can grab a drink and decide not to drink it. I can tell someone else "Yes" to the offer and take one sip. Just because I tell them yes, doesn't mean that I have to say yes to myself. Most people don’t mind either way. The only time someone seems to care about me drinking is when my decision reflects their internal battle. I can’t fight that battle for them. I let the judgment in their voice slide away. I know their judgment isn’t for me, it’s for them. 

I use to think that being sober was for people who didn’t know how to enjoy life and relax. I pressured friends and wore a badge of honor for being the life of the party. I use to look forward to a drink and now I can hardly finish one. I don’t look at drinking as something to look forward to. I look at drinking as something that wakes me up. Wakes me up to a feeling I may be trying to repress. If I find myself thinking “well this drink should make me feel better” I ask what caused the pain and decide to stop doing whatever that is. I don’t want to escape any part of my life. I don’t want to escape being around the people I love and feel close to. I want to enjoy every moment and most of all I want to remember it. I don’t have time to be hungover. I don’t have time to put my energy into doing things I don’t want to do just to check off a box for someone else. I want to live my life the way I want to. I don't want to live in terms of making others happy. Happiness from others is a bonus that starts with my own. I have no capacity to give to others when I don’t give to myself. Besides, as I said, the people I keep close don’t care if I drink or not. They care that I am there with them. The others, well, that's for last week's post.  

What feelings are you masking or believing you can enhance when you pick up a drink? My intention for this post is to remind myself to bring awareness to my drinking habits. I hope this post inspires you to bring awareness to your habits as well. 

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Check out this month's book recommendation! This Naked Mind by Annie Grace.

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