“Now is not the right time”

I’ve silently agreed that there is a right time for life events to happen. I have told myself and agreed that now is not the right time for a lot of things. For my entire existence, a short 25 years, I have had this concept that in time, I will be ready. What if to be ready means to understand there isn’t a right time? I am exploring what it means to be ready… or if it means anything at all. 

I put things off. I tell myself in my mind “I am not ready.” Excusing myself from working towards being ready. To say I'm just not ready is an easy way out; It requires no thought, no self curiosity. I find what we are not physically or mentally ready for, we don't contemplate for too long.  It seems like we hold ourselves back from listening to our core due to fear. There isn’t going to be a right time to be ready. Some days I am ready. Some days I question the yesterday that led me to today. When I find myself avoiding my feelings or life events with the “I don’t think I’m ready” talk, I am ready, I am just afraid. If the thought comes up day after day, I need to stop putting this off and just take the steps to working on my “ready.” The seed has been planted. Will I water that seed and let that plant grow or will I walk away from that seed because I'm afraid of what the plant will turn into? Whatever I decide, sometimes even when we walk away, it rains and that seed sprouts.

As I think about how there is only a right now to make a choice, I see how the term “ready” has me living in a future I am not guaranteed. Living by a “ready” has me believing that there will be a time I will be ready. As if I have the option to be guaranteed tomorrow. Sometimes I don’t see how I could ever fully be ready. I wasn’t completely ready to get a dog, I wasn’t completely ready to move, there wasn’t a right time for me to start climbing, all of these things I just did. I jumped in and decided that this was just the next step to take. Jumping in allowed me to feel excited, nervous, and so good. Jumping makes me feel alive. Helps me feel loved, as strange as that may sound. Knowing that I love myself enough to know I got me. The hardest part is the anticipation. 

But then again maybe that is the point of the term “ready”. Maybe we aren’t ready to be ready. Maybe ready isn’t a time, but rather a mindset. Either we are ready for the shift in our thoughts or we are not. Either we are ready to reach towards our quest or we are ready to run away. Whatever that quest may be, we won't get there until we start moving forward. 

“I’m not ready for a relationship.” What does that even mean? When I put words to what ready means in this circumstance, I find myself answering I am not ready to feel the hurt a relationship might bring. I am not ready to feel connected to someone. Not ready to truly welcome them into my life and share my family and friends with another. Looking at this I see that I am living in fear. Fear for my heart, instead of loving from the start. There is a difference between going “all in” and not even being open to the possibility. I find when I tell myself I am not ready, it is me living in my fears instead of being open to a possibility. It is me closing myself off instead of challenging myself to remain open. Instead of focusing on what I am not ready for, I am going to shift to what I am ready for. I am ready to determine if someone's lifestyle doesn’t match mine. I am ready to have a conversation that doesn’t include a delusion of a future that isn’t guaranteed. I am ready to be fully honest with myself about what works for me and what doesn’t. And since I am ready to be honest with myself, I am ready to be honest with others. 

“I am not ready to let go” I find myself living in the past when I say things like this. Holding onto something that no longer exists. Living in a state of denial. Denying that someone is who they have shown me they are. Denial that a past won’t bring on the future I believed it would. Denial that I cannot let go. Whether that be a partner, a career, a location…again, living in fear. Living in a fear of the unknown, not realizing that the unknown is a step towards the happiness I seek. Letting go encourages me to grow. When I am not ready to let go, am I holding onto a future of what “could” be or who that person “could” be? Are you holding onto the job you don’t feel rewarded from because you think there will be a perfect time for you to find a better fit for yourself? Are you limiting yourself to believe that only this one person, one job, one event is the end all be all? What if this is just the beginning? What are you missing out on by not being ready to add on or let go?

I found that I was often lying to myself. Saying, “I am not ready to love again” As if I don’t find myself loving every single day. Telling myself I am not ready is what I have found to be my defense mechanism. “I am not ready to love” lies a fear left unspoken. I am afraid to feel sadness again. I am afraid to feel hurt, afraid of myself. Afraid I won’t listen to me if something no longer works. Afraid I will let myself feel used by allowing their needs and wants to be above my own. I am afraid I am not strong enough. I am afraid that I am not grounded enough. Afraid to connect, open up, and be present. Most importantly, I am afraid to be vulnerable. To allow someone into my mind. To allow someone into my heart. 

I am letting go of “I’m not ready” 

I allow all of you into my mind when I share my blog posts. I allow myself to love all the time. I allow love for those that show they love me back. Those that are my people. My tribe in a way. I am ready for love every time I pick up the phone and talk to my family and friends. I am ready for love every single day. I allow myself to love the people close to me. I am letting go of loving another the same way I have before. Replacing that with I am ready to love myself first, and then love everyone else. I am ready to love myself and follow my own needs before loving another human. Romantically or not. Loving myself means saying the things that are hard to hear. Good or bad. Loving to me means being honest with myself about how I feel and then letting others know while staying firm to me. Those words left unsaid leave us questioning, second guessing. When I use the “I’m not ready” excuse, it doesn’t allow honesty to radiate from me. It leaves myself and others questioning what could have happened. 

We leave ourselves wondering, resonating on the things we weren’t ready for. We find out “ready” was just our excuse to not feel. Sometimes by the time we are ready, it’s too late. When we are “ready” to dance that dance, we stand up and don't realize we cut off our circulation. We fall on the ground and can’t feel our legs. When we realize ready is just a term we use to avoid what makes us uncomfortable, we realize that our legs just fell asleep and that we already have our dancing shoes on. All we need to do is allow the circulation to flow again and hope that we didn’t cut it off for too long. Feeling that flow again can be uncomfortable for a moment, and if we catch it soon enough, no damage has been done.  

When I find myself using “ready” as an excuse, I ask what am I avoiding? What am I not dealing with? What action can I take to eliminate that fear?

I know I won’t be perfect. I know I will find myself saying I am not ready. I look at this post and the people closest to me to gently guide me back when I go off track. A “perfect” time doesn’t exist. The right time doesn’t exist. There is only a right “now”. I've decided the right time is right now.