Expectations: Are they Mine?
"Expectation"
[ ek-spek-tey-shuhn ]
noun
the act or the state of expecting:
to wait in expectation.
the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.
an expectant mental attitude:
a high pitch of expectation.*
It’s funny how often a particular object or thought is noticed once we bring our awareness to the subject. Once we bring light to a thought, we see how much it grows. The car that has been brought to our attention we start to see everywhere we look. At every stop sign, on the highway, and in our neighbors driveway. Our minds are so powerful holding the mindset to our existence. To think how easy it is to tune into negativity. It’s just as easy to tune into positivity. Yet positivity seems to be looked down on. Positive doesn’t translate to peak happiness. Surrounding ourselves with positivity can be a simple question. Does this bring positivity into my life or negativity? Each morning I wake up and remind myself that I love me. This practice is simple yet helps me overcome any self sabotage allowing more space for accomplishments. “What would I do if I truly loved myself?”
I notice expectations all around me. In many ways we are just like sheep, following the herd around us. Trying to all fit in the same mold. How do I wake up and break free? How do I become more me? I start by asking myself a question about expectations I've always known.
We view expectations like an iron cast. We project our own expectations onto the lives of others. The mold that works for you, won't work for me. My body and mind is not yours and cannot fit into the same expectation mold. Why have I decided to follow expectations that line up with someone else? Is it so I can have the life they live? So I can have that big house, the fancy car? Am I living up to their expectations so I can feel like I belong? My theory is that expectations stem from a desire to belong. When I feel like I belong, I feel loved. What if the people that I surround myself with love me for who I am? What if they love that my expectations are not theirs?
Most expectations come from wanting what we think is best for someone else. A list of expectations written down during a dance recital. Expectations I let go of since the day I discovered that particular path wasn’t mine to walk. The list ended with a “I know you will be fine and do well in life, I just think this is what's best” Those expectations put on me to encourage my happiness by what has worked for them and many people around them. Expectations that when met, create a sense of security. This life is not always secure and not meant to feel safe at all moments. Expectations align with achieving “success”. Success carries a different meaning to each individual. Some people think success is a big house where someone else cleans it, a vacation home, being able to buy anything your heart desires. My current version of success is spending less money than what I make. Feeling accomplished and settled in my mind and body after each day. Success is surrounding myself with the influence of people I laugh with and are “life giving”, not “life sucking”. Quoted from someone I find inspiring and well grounded.
Expectations are not “needs”. Expectations don’t have to be so big. I want to live my life through me. I don’t want to try to fit in the mold that was created for someone else. I don't feel creative or inspired in their mold of perfection. I feel drained, like there is something wrong with me. Like I am broken. Meeting other expectations does break me. It shapes and bends me into a box I don’t belong in. My mind hazy, my thoughts stuck, my body exhausted. What expectations am I holding that are not mine?
Expectation: Marriage and children.
Expectation: A college degree to be an employee at a “secure” job that I don't like, to have money, and then spend that money because I hate my job.
Expectation: to be "on" constantly to achieve "success"
Expectation: to drop what I am doing to reply and pick up phone calls right away
Expectation: to have social media
EXPECTATION: TO BE SOMEONE I AM NOT TO PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE
To me, expectations are very limiting and restrictive. Living in someone else's expectations will not allow me to grow in the ways I need to. They don’t allow room for failure. In my opinion, the only way to grow is by failing. When we aren’t failing, we are not trying something new. By making expectations dependent on someone else, we drain our energy into something out of our control.
I am not saying that I don’t want any of the points above to happen. I am bringing these expectations to question. Why am I working towards meeting these expectations? I don’t like that I pick up the phone right away. I don’t like that I am willing to drop EVERYTHING to pick up a phone call. I am practicing the art of completing what I am doing and then giving a call back. Some days I do well with this practice, other days not so much. I am not going against expectations held just to spite whoever has accomplished or holds these expectations for their life. I'm not saying that these expectations will not happen for me, I'm saying that I am not going to drain my psyche to fit in someone else's mold.
Holding an expectation for marriage and children is in my opinion the absolute WORST expectation to hold for yourself or to put on someone you love. When we hold expectations we are limiting ourselves. With the expectation to get married or have children we are at risk of starting or staying in unhealthy relationships to meet that expectation. Instead of holding on to that, let it go. I want to see my partner for who they are now. I don’t want to be blinded by an expectation of what they could be, I don’t have the patience for that.
When I can’t let go of expectations ingrained in my mind, I want them to at least be on me, not dependent on someone else’s choice. If I love myself, what expectations do I hold of me?
I expect myself to write a book
I expect myself to say no when I need to say no
I expect myself to question my own feelings of anger, frustration, or judgment and see the root cause (mostly it's fear) instead of projecting those feelings.
I expect myself to be exactly who I am regardless of someone else's preferences
Writing down what I am expecting of myself helps me sort out which are mine. I have an easier time questioning when the expectation began. When I don't remember, It's time to let It go. Time to take my life day by day.
I don't particularly like expectations. My ultimate goal is to have none. To have no expectations of myself and no expectations of others. I feel expectations fog our minds. They don't allow us to see who exactly is standing in front of us. By definition expectations are predicting the future. Intuition is one thing seeing the future is a "power". A power that most people would call magic. I don't know about you but my crystal ball is broken and I'm not too worried about getting it fixed. Maybe the future is concrete. Maybe it's not. To live in the future is a very dangerous place. It takes us into something that isn't guaranteed. The only moments that are guaranteed are the moments that we're living in right now. Let go of expectations. Let go of the need to have your future line up with outdated expectations. Planning for a future is one thing, expecting that future is another.
If you died right now, what expectations are you holding on to that didn't allow you to truly live?
*https://www.dictionary.com/browse/expectation
Thanks for reading!
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