Inspire Me
What inspires me? Inspiration is everywhere. In every conversation, if I listen for it. In an empty room, if I am open to it. Out in the mountains or right at home when I allow it. Why have I had such a difficult time finding it? I have been on autopilot. Achieving what has been needed for my career while putting creativity aside.
Conveying how my mind processes thoughts is therapeutic. With this time away from my blog and site, I have lost my touch. My writing needs practice. Practice allowing everyone to read, to critique, to judge my thoughts. Maybe that is why I haven't been posting. Anxiety from fear of judgment is blocking my availability to implement inspiration. I want to give my anxiety a name. When I was little I spelled my name backward. Funny since the symbol for my Chinese birth year is a rat (1996). My anxieties name shall be "Arat".
Why has Arat surfaced?
When I lived by myself, Arat came out when I thought about sharing my space with someone again. Arat showed up at the thought of being judged for emotions I don't wish to bottle up. I calmed Arat down by knowing the space I created was full of acceptance and love. Living with someone else has unknowingly created chaos in that space. Having another human here brings up past beliefs that I am not allowed to show any emotion. My partner encourages that belief every time he gets mad, angry, or distant about my feelings of sadness without any remorse. We both bring preconceived ideas/insecurities that the other does not know exists. I am working on adjusting and learning new ways to calm Arat down. Autopilot allows time to access my current environment. Self-awareness allows me to make adjustments for a new situation.
I don’t want to feel Arat running around scared. I don't want to feel anxiety. I want to feel influenced and encouraged by the ideas, views, and creativity of those surrounding me. Exploring the worst-case scenario helps calm my anxiety. Worst case, he judges me, tells me my writing is shit and that I am a stupid woman who shouldn't try anything. That I need to learn my place in the world which is to serve and put him above all else. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why I have such an issue with the thought of God. When I look at the worst case, I notice he has yet to tell me what Arat screams he will do.
I block myself from seeing the inspiration around me in fear of judgment from my partner. Yet, my partner has not judged me for my writings or my videos. Quite the opposite, he has been very supportive of them. He watches my videos and reads my posts. He even bought me a GoPro for my videos. He encourages me to express myself through my website. He has encouraged me during the exam I struggled with and believes in me every day.
The amygdala in the brain reacts based on preconditioned or past experiences which sends stress responses to the hypothalamus. My amygdala has been freaking the f*ck out about the possibility of being judged and ridiculed by my partner. Those overwhelming fears that I am making the same mistakes I have before are stopping me from using the inspiration I receive and creating it into existence.
My amygdala is going crazy with triggers from past relationships including old "friends''. Certain words and body language used by my partner sends my amygdala into a panic. Relationships take patience and practice. Strange how we aren't encouraged to study relationships and communication when that is what our lives revolve around. We learn how to present to a class and not how to communicate with our partners, parents, friends. When I think about my relationship, my headspace gets clouded. I start to focus on whether or not I am overreacting to a feeling or if my feeling is justified. Clouding my mind with decisions and stress responses that make me blind to any creativity.
To clear my head I remind myself to have patience for us both. To not let my stressed mind cloud, interfere with my creative mind. To instead use that cloud to make it rain creativity. Use stress as inspiration. I start to regain my balance, I become a little less stressed. Arat dissipates as I keep in mind we are both learning how to flow with someone else. Both need to feel accepted and loved. He is not perfect, and neither am I. Inspiration does not come from perfection. Complacency comes from perfection.
Inspiration is all around us. We can find it in our relationships, our hobbies, our work. Friends, family, animals, anywhere we want to look. Once we let the anxiety go and learn to calm down, we can create and do amazing things. We all start somewhere, practice becoming self-aware.
My anxiety, Arat, shows when my amygdala freaks out which tends to be triggered by responses, or lack of responses, from my partner. I want to instead take those feelings and get creative with them. Write another poem maybe. Maybe work on this site or paint. Inspiration turns into practice. With practice comes improvement and improvement encourages curiosity. Keep the patience. Never find perfection. Perfection creates complacency and lacks curiosity. When we have inspiration, we have creativity. When we implement our inspiration, we create a meaningful existence.
