Let Go & Grow
Starting to bring this day into existence, I feel a sense of calm throughout my body. This is my time to breathe. To center. To simply be all that I am with no demands, no pressure. I keep my phone on focus mode which stops me from accessing apps that I choose for a set period of time. While meditating, I feel a tightness in my heart. A tightness in my breath. I recognize this feeling. This feeling is a friend that I have grown comfortable with for the past year. A friend who is trying to tell me something and I keep brushing them off. Too wrapped up in another thought. At the start of the year, these feelings would come in bursts. Now since I have been focusing on repressing them, the anxious feelings are more subtle. Begging for me to listen to them.
A lot of us think that anxiety is a bad thing. It’s good to have some anxiety. Anxiety can be our friend. Anxiety helps me get the things I need done. Anxiety helps me assess a situation. I am recognizing that my anxiety isn’t something to fear. It is something to embrace and listen to. Mind you, the only time I have issues with my anxiety is when I try to fight it instead of listen to what she is trying to tell me. My problem with anxiety only becomes a problem when I try to fight against it.
This past year, my head and heart have been doing circles trying to figure out my feelings. This tends to happen when I don’t validate my own feelings or my existence. When I tell myself I am overreacting to something that I am not overreacting about. I know I don’t have the tendency to overreact too much. In fact, I would say I tend to under react based on whatever the “typical” standard for reacting would be. I know this about myself yet here I am for the past year, day after day telling myself that I am overreacting. Why would I do this to myself? My body is trying to tell me something very important and I’m ignoring my signs. My mind literally tells me something is wrong in my thoughts. My heart tells me that something is off by closing even though I normally keep my heart open. I notice I am more judgmental. I write to myself letting me know that I am becoming loud again. Which for me means that something is wrong within. I notice that I am more angry particularly when it comes to people talking about relationships when normally I would be happy to discuss that subject with them.
Other people hold a lot of power in our life. At a point in time, I believed what other people thought or how they interacted with me didn’t matter. Which is true to a certain extent. When you let someone become close to you, that changes. I notice a shift in my personality and have noticed a shift in others depending on who we spend most of our time with. Certain traits that we carry come out depending on what we feed our minds and what conversations we have. Taking on other qualities is inevitable and not a bad thing. Looking into ourselves and noticing how we are impacted by the people surrounding us means we choose who we get to be. I choose the people around me*
Everyone we surround ourselves with impacts us. I find difficulty in determining who to let impact me vs who not to. A part of me feels as if I am being mean to not let everyone in. Actually, a huge part of me feels I MUST give anyone a chance to a certain degree. What if instead I ask, “How do I feel?” after I talk with them. What feelings or sensations came up for me in that conversation? If I feel more drained, anxious, not accepted, or if I notice qualities that I am not fond of come out around that person, then I need to take a step back and evaluate. If I find myself not being sure of how I felt, I am just going to make a note of it. I’ll email myself at the LettersForTherapy address I made. I’ll keep track of how I feel after a certain interaction. Maybe in a conversation I felt meaning, and then another left me feeling confused. I want to write down the feelings that come up so I can look back later. Like I am talking to a friend that has only my best intentions in mind as long as I am honest since the the friend is myself. I created a signature titled “Conversation Check In” with the following questions to help me reflect on the conversation.
Was I able to be my true self with this person or was I holding back? What was I holding back and what did I feel okay expressing?
What body reactions did I find when I talked to this person? (Did my heart start to race when it is my turn to speak? Was my throat tight? Does my head start to hurt? Did I zone out? My body will tell me more and more as I learn to listen to it.)
After our interaction, do I feel like the better version of myself, or do I feel as if I am taking a step back?
I made this signature colorful for a way to bring creativity to my questions. I also added a little italicized paragraph of love in there for myself at the end. Reminding myself that what comes up isn’t something to be frustrated about or fight against. That I have all good intentions for me as a being and not a single bad one. However I find myself responding, I need to pay attention. Pay attention to what I am trying to tell myself. It’s not a bad thing to evaluate my relationships and my conversations. It's a really good thing. It is great to have the capability to control who I allow impact my life. After evaluating the connection, I give myself options.
Recognize what is coming up for me means it is best for myself and the other person to let our existences be separate. I used to think that not allowing someone in my life was selfish. That I was being inconsiderate. I used to think that I came second in any relationship. That I needed to have that other person in mind for everything that I do and everything that I say. My thoughts and feelings came after theirs. I now realize that this isn’t the case. Far from it to be exact. It's not mean to take someone out of my life who is not good for my mental or physical health. I am not telling them they are not good for someone else's life. I am not telling them that they are not lovable, that they are not a good friend or not a good human. I am simply telling them that I don’t feel as if they are allowing me to grow. That doesn’t make their way of life wrong, just means I cannot handle the influence they give. And note to self, someone who doesn’t take me seriously when I ask them to leave, is someone that I need to be firm with about going separate ways.
Be aware of my feelings and keep this person at a distance. Only communicate when needed and make conversations short to limit their impact.
Create boundaries with the person. Example; I find that after speaking with a friend I am anxious. I respect who they are and that their choices are their own. I also love this person and after keeping track of my reactions for a certain period of time, I see I am not feeling good after talking with them. I evaluate how often I make a connection with this person. I see that we talk every other day. I can now look at that and create a boundary with myself and limit myself on our interactions to once a week. I don’t have to leave that person. I don’t have to go all or nothing. I can look for a balance, create a boundary that I think will work for me, and re-evaluate later. Making sure to stay true to this boundary I created for myself is key. If we have the same group of friends, I might be tempted to talk to this person more often because I feel pressure to be at every event. It is important I stay true to what I say I want to do and hold my integrity to myself. Let others know I have different plans for myself that evening or that I have a few goals I am working on and cannot attend. Or, as one of my close friends has said, simply just say that you are taking a night to yourself to decompress. Following my boundaries and knowing what I can handle is empowering. This isn’t just in terms of friends, this can apply to family or co-workers as well.
Recognize that this is the exact type of person I want to allow into my life. I look up to this human and really enjoy the parts of myself that show when I interact with them. They are green. Green means go. Continue with this relationship, make these people a priority.
I make a lot of excuses when it comes to minimizing the impact certain people have on my life. Every time I let go, I find the shift to be a lot easier than I thought. The hard part is the excuses I make to keep them in my life. Trying to accommodate is more difficult than letting go.
Note: There is no need to keep an energy around due to the time spent together. Example, they have been in my life for X amount of years or possibly my entire life. There is this stigma for family, “Blood is thicker than water”. As if having the same DNA means that these people love me, are good for me, and have my best intentions in mind. That is not true in some cases. And in others, what they perceive to be my best intentions, don’t align with what I am looking to accomplish.
Taking a step back to ask, “Is the way I am treated the same way I treat them?” “Do they add to my life or do I feel a sense of dread when I go see them?” Just because certain people are labeled family, does not mean they have our best intentions in mind. The label “Family” does not mean they are automatically healthy to be around. As a society, I have noticed a stigma regarding family. If we decide to have less or no contact with certain members, that makes us “bad”. There are moments when it is better for my own mental and/or physical health to take some time away. Blood isn’t that deep. Not in the way that we project it to be. Blood doesn’t mean giving up values to accommodate someone else's. Blood doesn’t mean making excuses for the way someone treats us. This doesn’t mean agreeing with everything someone says or sharing the same beliefs. It means if there is not a balance with a mutual ground of respect and kindness, don’t hold onto that relationship. Going against my values and not acknowledging how I feel just so someone else is satisfied is not meaningful or rewarding. Since I cannot fully be present in that situation, I end up being hurtful to others which makes me hurtful to myself. People pleasing turns us into a shell of a human. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back from a negative influence in our life. There is no need to keep an energy around just because of a “Have to” feeling. If “I HAVE to” is the only reason to keep coming back to a relationship, then that connection needs to be reassessed. Otherwise when time is spent with those people, what am I giving to them? Most likely an attitude that says in my body language I don’t want to be there.
It’s okay to let go of anyone who adds an intense amount of stress to my daily life. Anyone who I notice adding anxiety and insecurity consistently. Anyone who doubts my intentions after I have reiterated them over and over again. Letting go and creating boundaries with a person who doesn’t encourage growth is the exact person to step away from. Growth is determined by the self. The goals are determined by the self. As children, there is not a choice of who to surround ourselves with. We are with the people we are with and have to figure out a way to navigate through that. As an adult we get to choose. Choose wisely. Life is too short to have that person who encourages self doubt. Self reflection is beautiful and necessary. Self doubt created by someone through control is another. Life is too short to keep relationships that are not healthy. We only have one life. A Limited supply of energy. I do not want to put my energy into people who are unwilling to help themselves. It's okay to not be in that relationship. It’s okay to not talk to a family member. It’s okay to not answer the phone when the friend that gives you anxiety calls. It’s okay to not be with a partner who doesn’t seem to promote self growth. It doesn’t matter the amount of time spent with these people. [Insert years, weeks, days, hours, minutes] all that time has already gone by, do you really want to spend more?
It’s okay to let go. It’s okay to create boundaries. I am the one experiencing this life. You are the one experiencing your life. Is this how we want to be experiencing this moment? This is my life and my life alone. I get to decide who I want to be. I get to choose the people that I am influenced by. I decide the life I want to live. My decisions are not up to anyone else to make. Our decisions are our own. Own them. Be with them. Explore them. With a certain connection, what do I see? Do I see myself as happy? Do I see myself as free? If the answer is no, let it go. Let go of what doesn’t help me grow.
I ask myself “I am the one experiencing this life. Is this how I want to experience this moment?”
Link to Podcast:
https://discovering-terra/episodes/
Link to phone background:
Link to reference:
*https://blogs.webmd.com/relationships/20210113/how-other-people-influence-your-personality
