Living My Truth
I’ve been wanting to write this post for almost a year. The relationship I put myself in did not allow for thoughts about honesty and deceit. Now that adjustments have been made, I’ve been thinking about my truth. So, how much of our truth should we keep to ourselves? What is too much honesty, what is enough, and at what point are we hurting our psyche by our lies? Everyone lies, everyone has been manipulative and deceitful, we all have experienced acts like these. To say we haven’t is a lie.
In the past, I thought honesty meant keeping nothing to myself. Walking a line between honesty and porous boundaries. Now I know I can withhold my truth by creating a boundary. Making sure I don’t fall into the same habits. What are porous boundaries and what is withholding truth; another form of deceit and dishonesty? I think the most important thing is to make sure I don’t lie to myself, so I can live in my truth.
Journaling connects me to my truth. When I first started journaling, I was subconsciously editing my thoughts. Not letting them flow. I didn’t know how to be honest and had this belief that I was honest. When I let my thoughts flow, especially the ones perceived as “bad”, I blossom. I can clearly see what my truth is. I feel honest when I don’t hide my actions from others. Sure, there are moments when I get parts of the story wrong or can’t recall a moment I didn’t commit to memory. Without being prompted by another, I own up to my mistake or outright lie. I decide to live fully in my truth. Sara Adams brought to light how “we can’t really tell the truth; we can only tell our truth” in her book Being Human The Yamas & Niyamas.
Sometimes the truth is hard while lying is easy. How does this affect our psyche? I have seen lies destroy people. I have seen the way one can self-destruct because of lies told as their self image deteriorates. I have experienced relationships crumble when lies are involved. I have seen relationships flourish when the mistakes of the past are held accountable. Lying causes our perspectives to be changed. When we lie to another, we take away a part of their freedom. We set the stage for a false version of ourselves. You know the feeling of being left to wonder why someone treated us badly. I have listened to my friends wonder what their partner could have meant by “I am not what you need” and have wondered this myself. A solid relationship cannot be built on a shit foundation. The foundation needs to be strong or the relationship can be blown over. When someone says they aren’t good for you, believe them. They are telling you that their involvement has been made from lies and deceit. In the same light, check your own actions.
Regardless of how difficult the truth is, I find it important to be upfront and honest about what I experience. The human species is very self centered. Relieving me of the need to lie. Judgment is based on insecurities of the self. When someone is judging me, it is rooted in their being. Their judgment speaks on them, not on me. Judgment is just passing through until the insecure person finds a new subject. If owning up to my truth means that someone doesn’t like me or doesn’t want my influence in their life anymore, I let them go.
I give myself the freedom of not apologizing for who I am, was, or will be.
Whatever choices I made in the past is a part of my story. I decide now not to discredit my experiences. Critique and suggestion is different from judgment. Critiques from the people I value help me grow. Judgments keep me closed in. Critiques allow me to reflect on how to improve.
Lies tend to build. When we tell one, more are to come. The white lies we think are okay, are just stepping stones that tell our psyche the happiness of others is more valuable than our truth. Slowly teaching ourselves that our minds and opinions don’t matter as much as someone else's. The little lies are the ones that creep up until one day we decide to wake up. We look around at this beautiful room we are in. The perfect color choice with matching furniture. A room you see on the cover of a magazine. We walk to the mirror but we trip, grabbing onto the wall for balance. Instead of giving us the support we need, we knock down the wall of our lies as we realize the beauty we were living in is cardboard. The walls of the room collapse and we see the mess that we have surrounded ourselves in. We wonder how we got here, not realizing we brought on this mess. Every white lie added to our clutter. Every blunt lie added a dumpster of clutter.
We start to unintentionally become hoarders. Keeping the junk of past experiences and pain in our lives. Their junk turns into an excuse for why we add to our mess. This wasn’t the intention but instead, built the foundation. We add to this mess of the past each time we tell a white lie, each time we leave out information in fear of changing another's perspective. And each time we damage ourselves more. We claim we lie to avoid confrontation. To avoid hurting another person. Not capable of understanding that the most damage is caused by the lies we tell. Conflict is not the problem. Hurting another by existing is not the problem. The problem I notice is that we don’t want to be honest with ourselves. We don’t wish to admit that we are human and flawed. We devalue the very thing that makes us individuals. I believe the conflict we try so hard to avoid is the internal conflict on who we might be. Dealing with our own mess is hard. The only person we are running from when we lie, is ourselves and the reality of our choices or opinions.
I don’t like to do or say things I don’t mind others hearing. Which at one point I thought was controlled and exhausting. Like I couldn’t just let go and relax. I now see I can do that with everyone I encounter. They don’t have to like it, and I don’t have to hide. To ask someone to hold a secret is a lot to ask of another person. That is emptying our burdens onto another. Taking away their freedom to talk openly about whatever it is they wish to share. When we find that we are lying about a certain aspect of our lives, it is time to walk away for a moment. Time to decide that we are not going to continue the way we have been. Looking within and listening is a continuous practice. Outside validation feels good. It is nice to hear that we’re great, that someone looks up to us. But this doesn’t matter. What matters is if we look up to us. It is hard to recognize what makes us happy and fulfilled, cannot be found externally. That work must be done internally.
We must recognize that what we search for is the trust in ourselves. Which starts with me trusting myself enough to speak my truth. This post isn’t about how to find out if someone is lying to me. I want to validate my own experiences and when I think someone is lying, I want to be okay with that. I want to admit and stay strong in my intuition based on what I observe. I want to understand how to trust myself while allowing space for them. I know their lies don’t have much to do with me. This post is about being honest with myself. About living in my truth. Living one life that is connected. Staying true to me.
Each one of us experiences a different life that is somehow all connected. I didn’t experience having to lie as a child to keep myself safe in my home. I imagine that causes the mind to believe the only way to be loved is to not rock any boats. That there is no other option than to lie or leave out important details to experience “love” and “acceptance”. Those lies served their purpose and good job for getting through that part of life the best way you knew how. Those habits engrained at such a young age are hard to break. This isn’t childhood anymore. Allow past experiences to act as a guide. Trusting the intuition built by the need to see subtle cues is strong. No need to avoid, no need to run. The more grounded in our truth and being, the less we need to be concerned about who walks into your life. When we trust ourselves and love every part of who we are, we become a repellent to the ones that aren’t deserving.
Am I living in the life I wish to have? Is this how you wish to live? If so, own it. Own your existence. Don’t excuse it away or hide your choices from the world. Let your individuality shine. Don’t be ashamed of the way this life is lived. People will talk, others are entitled to their opinions. Let that be what they are, just their opinions. Their opinions don’t need to hold value.
If however, this is not the life you wish to live, not the path you wish to walk and your choices are ones you wish you didn’t make, you are the only one capable of changing that. This is yours to own. The choices that weren’t in line with your character. All of my choices are mine. Mine to carry, mine to hold. My choices to make, my opinions to live by. I practice my self love by making the choices I don’t mind sharing with the world. Make the decisions that fill your heart and make you proud of who you are regardless of the opinions of others. Own up to lies told or parts left out so you can live in your truth. Admitting faults is incredibly empowering. Taking ownership of actions and opinions is something I wish everyone takes the opportunity to experience. The people that matter accept you for all that you are. And sometimes we are a mess. Sometimes words don’t come out the way we intend. Sometimes we lie. Sometimes we avoid telling the exact truth. All of this makes us human. To expect a person will not lie, is to discredit their experience in this world. We are flawed. There is no “perfect” and there is not an exact truth. As we learn more about our core, we come to realize new understandings of who we are. The mistakes in the past have brought us to this growth. That is beautiful. Those mistakes don’t need to be lied about. Instead, let's celebrate them. Each time we admit a lie and falsities we grow a little more into our truth.
There was a point in my life where I felt I took the easy way out and lied when the truth mattered greatly. The worst part was, I lied to myself. I told myself that I was wrong. I put immense blame on myself so that I didn’t have to deal with what might happen after. I denied my truth so hard that I made a promise I wouldn’t again. My promise was a lie in itself that laid down the foundation I stand on. At age fourteen, my parents thought I made a promise to them to not lie. The promise I made was to myself. Practicing being honest with me, allows space to be honest to others. My truth is my own. Sometimes the truth we see is blinded by the lies others tell. I work everyday on not denying what is true to me. This allows any lies that I might hear from others to slide by. I recognize when I stay true to my thoughts, their lies don’t matter. They have nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. They are not living in their truth.
In time, they will find that the people that matter don’t care. The people that love them will still be there.
To accept them for who they are. Living in lies is lonely. No one truly gets to know you when you live there. My practice of my truth allows for one life. A life that people can get to know more about, or stay on the surface. But I will not lie about that life. I am the same me in all aspects. Just with different depths.
All that we do is practice. The only person we can look to is our own inner being. No one else can tell when we are living in truth. Only our inner being knows if we are living in a cardboard lie disguised as a beautiful room. To me, I don’t wish to ever be an expert on my being. That means to stop trying to understand myself. When we stop trying, we go down hill, back to the start. I don’t believe there are any true experts in this world. When someone claims they are an expert, that sends sirens going through my mind. Experts seem to be blinded by old ways, not accepting we grow everyday. In my opinion, to give a title of expert means to lose curiosity. An expert knows what they have read from a text already created. When we find we are no longer practicing the skill we developed, we fall back. We stop growing. We go back to old habits. Sometimes that is okay. Sometimes, we must practice everyday.
Honesty is a core value of mine. I don’t feel good about myself when I am not living in my truth. I have led myself down dark roads that could have been avoided by living in my truth instead of denying it. I don’t feel like I love myself when I disregard my truth and don’t admit my faults. Maybe for you it's different, and that's okay. Whatever your truth is, own it or change it, but don’t lie about it.
The textbook version of perfect doesn’t exist. I have my own definition, but that's for a different post. I am practicing speaking only what I believe is my truth. That doesn’t mean later if my mind changes, I lied now. It means I grew and challenged what I believed to be true.
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