Relationship Perspective

We have this idea in our heads. An idea based on dramatized movies and fictional novels. We exaggerate certain parts of our relationships to create a perception that isn’t reality. Most recently I have been doing this in my romantic partnership. I have been choosing to dramatize what reality is. I have been thinking the worst of my partner and feeling like he wants to control me. I have this perception right now that he is manipulating me into trying to get me to believe I am doing something wrong. I am creating my reality while living in my negative thoughts about my partner. I don’t say this to dismiss his behavior, I say this to hold accountability for my own. I need to remember what love means to me. We all have different thoughts on what it means to love.

My perception of love seems to be one that a lot of people agree with, yet find it difficult to live by. One that I realize I struggle with from time to time. Remembering my concepts of love is challenging because while I do love myself, sometimes it’s hard to remember the qualities about myself that I love. And as I have said before and will say many times over again, I have to love myself before I show love to anyone else. My version of love to me seems so simple yet so complex to truly live by and implement. 

Love doesn’t hold grudges: 

True love doesn’t hold onto the dishes that weren’t cleaned or the words that weren’t said. Love forgives and understands that people do not deliberately mean to say hurtful things. We say hurtful things as a reaction to something that hurts us. Truly loving someone is accepting that the past is the past even if the past happens to be an hour ago. Loving someone means forgiving them in my heart. 

Love doesn’t keep score:

True love doesn’t use anything against another. Love isn’t a game. Love doesn’t win or lose. If one of us loses, both of us lost. And that goes for any relationship. If I try and make my relationships a battle, I will never be happy. A strong deep connection is not made when arguing and trying to prove the other person wrong. When hurtful words are said with intentions of hurting another person, we both end up being hurt. When that is done, a toxic environment has been created. There may be a temporary win, but in the end, the only outcome is a loss of respect and connection in the partnership. No one wants to open up and stay connected when feeling like everything said or done will be used to keep score.

Love accepts:

Accepting who your partner or friend is. Seeing the person they are and not trying to change something about them because of insecurities that turn into embarrassment or control. Understanding we are all doing the best we can and remembering that not a single one of us is perfect. Accepting others for all the quirks they have and the hardest part, accepting them for the reflections of ourselves that we get the most frustrated with.  

These concepts are to remind me that we all have tendencies. These concepts are to remind me to show love when I am struggling to show any kindness. These are to remind me of the values that I want to help spread. These are for me to remember and to keep in mind when I am having a bad day in one of my relationships or a bad week. This is for me to keep in mind and to bring me back to reality when I am having toxic tendencies. 

To love another means to love yourself first. While I will work on expressing love, I keep in mind where my boundaries are. When I hit a point that my relationship is changing me and I am no longer loving myself, I leave that situation. My core values are things I will not change about myself. I will not be rude to someone just because my partner feels I should. I will not stop doing the things I love just because my partner feels insecure. There are things that I will not change about myself and I do not believe I should have to. 

I may not have definitive lines about what my boundaries are every moment of every day but I do know that once I hit them I will not go past them. Once I started listening to myself, I haven’t been able to stop. I am more in tune with myself now than I ever have been and I am excited to keep growing on that.  

Lately, I remind myself, my partner is not his insecurities. My partner is kind, loving, and outgoing. My partner is easy to talk to and has a purpose. He carries himself with a sense of confidence, a healthy dose of pride, and empowerment. My partner has an amazing viewpoint of the world and I love him for all that he is. 

In the moments when it is difficult to remember what my perception of love is, I read these three core concepts. When I find myself being unforgiving of our past arguments, I remember love doesn’t hold grudges. When I find myself bringing up past mistakes during a disagreement, I remember love doesn’t keep score. When I find myself wanting him to think, feel, or talk differently, I remember that love accepts other people as they are. I try to keep these in mind throughout all my relationships, not just the one with my partner.

What is your perception of love and how does it differ from mine? 

Thoughts: Discovering Tara

Email: DiscoveringTara@gmail.com

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