Guide to Enough
I feel like I need to write, to get my thoughts on paper. My body seems out of touch. Like I am going through motions without intention. Recently I read up on the third creativity chakra in the book, Eastern Body Western Mind; The Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self by Anodea Judith. I look at my own art and most times, I think it's no good. That I will never be at a point that I feel good about what I create. There I go using absolutes again, like “Never” and “always”. I am working on that. The amount of external validation I need is insane. How did I get like this? How did I get so insecure to the point where I devalue everything I do? The older I get, the more I see how most of us feel this way. Especially when it comes to creative personality types.
In being enough for everyone else, I decide along the way that I won’t be enough for the self. By saying yes, I ultimately say no to me or my needs. I say no to enough time to sleep, enough alone time, enough time to think. How do I stop feeling selfish for being honest? Honest about the times that are running me dry. Guilt free about not making events hundreds of miles away.
As I write, I come to the realization that most times, I am not enough. If I am looking to others for validation, that validation may not occur and, if it does, I may question if it was true. This battle of enoughism is enough to drive one insane. If I take one person, try all I might, and become their version of “Enough”, I turn around and the person next to them thinks differently. Creating an endless cycle. Putting that feeling on others externally is something that I don’t want to do, yet still long for.
In my blog post “Perspective” I talked about finding something bigger than myself. Well, what if to deal with my feelings of not being enough, I look at things that I am enough for. For example, my dog. I am enough for her. In fact, I am more than enough for her. Same with my cat. I am more than enough for him as well. It will start small and I don’t believe I will ever get to a point where I feel I am enough for everyone around me.
There is a lot of pressure to be good enough. Whether it's in our work, our relationships, our creativity, and our movement. A portion of this is healthy I think. A small part of not feeling enough may move me forward. But what if instead it holds me back? How do I know if the thoughts that consume me, actually hurt instead?
There are plenty of situations where I am not enough and, to some, my best will never be good enough. Understanding that yeah, most of the time, I actually am not enough. Then being okay with that. The areas where I do feel like I am enough, I stay in. I find the people that I feel accept me and enjoy my presence. Those are the ones I stay around for. It's not always 100%, just more often than not. When I feel enough, I can deepen my knowledge, my understanding, and my capabilities. When I don’t feel like I am enough, I can decide if this is something that I would like to deepen or leave completely.
I didn’t realize how easy it is to find what I am good enough for. For example, I have been learning my guitar and practicing how to sing. I could, and I do, at times expect myself to be much better than what I am. I have found myself being quite mean to me. Telling myself I am not enough. When I take a step back and try to find what I am good enough for, I see I am good enough to share the songs I have with close family and friends. I am good enough to ask them for their help in listening to what I can’t hear. Instead of saying “I am not as good as the person who grew up practicing these instruments” I am working on letting myself know that today I am good enough to write a song. Today I am good enough to do a recording of that song on an app on my phone. Today I am good enough to send that recording out to the ones closest to me. Those are pretty big steps to be making for someone who just started playing in July. To discredit myself for that because I am not as good as someone who has worked really, really hard is absurd. It almost devalues their hard work. Me, expecting to be good right off the bat. My point is that there are little ways in which we can find we are good enough. Which means I need to limit my spaces where I feel I am not enough.
The real question is, when will I be enough for myself? In each moment that is really all that is important. Am I enough for me right now?
That question can get clouded. For me it can be difficult to pull myself out of the anxiety, self doubt, and unnecessary guilt to simply ask myself that question, let alone be encouraging. I wonder where this comes from. Is it past experiences or society? Maybe it's just a me thing, but I think that is a selfish take on this matter. Whether we like to admit it or not, I believe we all have moments where we feel we aren’t enough. When that feeling pops up, stay curious. Ask the self, “Is this mine?” and don’t listen to your first automatic answer. Dig deeper, maintain curiosity, and be kind to yourself because the world isn’t going to do that for you.
